


In A Strange Land

by Tozette



Series: Hinata at Hogwarts [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Crack, Humour, M/M, Silly, Sincerely this is crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 18:26:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17391395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tozette/pseuds/Tozette
Summary: When you want someone to talk to your fellow Hufflepuff and his weird scary boyfriend about their -- late night enthusiasm -- who do you ask? A prefect, of course.





	In A Strange Land

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the "Hinata at Hogwarts" series but she isn't in this one. She will be in the next one.
> 
> This is very not serious. Please do not take it seriously.

Hidan dreamed of water in his lungs and whirling stars and strange equations. He could still taste the rank salt water from a distant ocean on his cracked lips when he woke -- but he blinked his eyes open, breathed deeply and found himself surrounded by the familiar, mildly acrid smell of Kakuzu's hair. Kakuzu's body was big and heavily muscled and running hot underneath him. That was unusual, since he usually slept like shit and didn't linger in bed when he was awake. Hidan curled closer and scraped his nails luxuriously down his ribs, perfectly willing to take advantage until Kakuzu woke up and realised they were still pretty much stuck together with last night's mess.

"Hmm," someone was saying, outside the warm and dark nest of the bed curtains and the covers and the messy body-warm sheets, "I see, I see. I understand your position... but... they're not really doing anything wrong..."

"They're breaking like at _least_ six school rules!" wailed someone else.

Who was that? Hidan squinted in the dim light behind his own bed curtains. He shifted, and the arm flung over his waist tightened like a vise. The hand in his hair clenched until it felt like iron.

"Shhh," said Kakuzu, proving that he had in fact been awake already. Hidan wasn't usually so tractable, but he was very comfortable and warm. Kakuzu's hand was holding his neck at a vulnerable angle and his breath was hot and damp right against his ear. The heat of it washed down his throat.

His skin shivered and his hair prickled and he decided, yeah, okay, he could stay still and quiet for maybe a few more minutes.

Kakuzu relaxed the hand in his hair and then tightened it into a fist again. It made a sweet ripple of almost-pain pass through his scalp. He sighed and relaxed back into Kakuzu's body.

"Only _technically_ ," said that first voice, which Hidan recognised vaguely. "They're safe, and they're not hurting anybody! Surely as an assigned perfect who is honour bound to uphold the rules of this school for our House, it is my role to interpret them so they may be enforced in the spirit in which they were created! This is just the natural passions of youth--"

"Lee," the voice was becoming ever more strained. "None of us would care, even though he is a Slytherin and _definitely doesn't belong here,_ and is probably _spying_ \--"

"That's unworthy of us," said Lee, with some concern colouring his earnest voice, "I believe they share a sincere affection in the first blush of young romance, which is very admira--"

"Lee," something outside the bed curtains shifted and Lee's voice cut off, which was just as well probably, "--Lee. They are _so loud_. OWLs are coming up. We need to sleep. And they. Are. _So loud_."

Hidan snickered. But softly. Kakuzu was right for once: he really did want to hear this.

There was a pause.

It went on for some time. Lee hummed thoughtfully.

Then footsteps. Hidan felt Kakuzu twitch when he realised that Rock Lee was approaching their bed -- Hidan's bed -- and that he didn't plan to stop.

The curtains flung themselves open.

Somewhere deeper in the room, another body yelped and dived out of sight. "I don't want to see!" it howled.

Which was ridiculous.

Lee's eyebrows were a lot more impressive than anything currently going on in Hidan's bed. (... _Currently_.)

"Yosh! Good morning, Hidan! And Kakuzu." His smile glinted and gleamed. Hidan could not be certain of the provenance of the light source that created the gleam, but it was definitely happening.

Somewhere, someone was practising on a saxophone. Weird.

Kakuzu made a noise. It may, Hidan reflected, have been a noise indicating some stress.

Hey, Hidan had been just as happy to go to the Slytherin dorms. Kakuzu'd made his choice and now he had to live with it.

Lee's bowl cut... also shone. The light -- still not actually emanating from anything -- struck it and created a perfectly round halo. He looked extremely neat and carefully put together, even if he was also ambitiously ugly.

Hidan shook his own disheveled hair away from his eyes. Kakuzu's fingers, having gone numb under the force of Lee's beaming smile, lost purchase and his hand slipped away from his head.

"Yeah?" he drawled propping himself on his elbows. One of them happened to be in Kakuzu's ribs, so he was promptly shoved off. He grunted.

"It is my duty as your fifth year Prefect to humbly request that when you are celebrating the rites of love--"

"--the rites of _what_ now," muttered Kakuzu, from where he was pressed into the sheets beneath Hidan.

But Lee had heard this comment, and he was not the sort to dismiss it. "Kakuzu," he said slowly, with his huge eyebrows beetling low over his suddenly unfriendly eyes, "do you mean... is this perhaps to say... that you _don't_ love Hidan..?"

"Yeah, Kakuzu," Hidan said, kicking one of his legs. He licked his teeth and smiled a huge, mean, shit-eating smile. " _Don't you love me?_ "

There was a long, wary silence.

"Sure," Kakuzu ground out from between his teeth.

"He's just shy," Hidan said, smiling wider and, incidentally, meaner.

Lee's smile somehow gained wattage, and he wiped a stream of crystalline tears his eyes with one sleeve.  
  
"The exploration of amarous affection in a supportive relationship between two consenting partners experiencing the springtime of their virility is _beautiful_ ," he gushed, very, very sincerely.

"Uh-huh," Hidan agreed. He sniffed his thumbnail, decided the dark smudge around the tip was Kakuzu's blood, and scraped its underside clean with his teeth. The taste burst on his tongue, thin and metallic. For a second he could see stars and smell colours, and Kakuzu twitched tense next to him. Even the glow of Lee's smile seemed to dim for half a second, as though a cloud had passed overhead. Hidan licked his lips and tasted the ocean.

Hidan exhaled. Next to him, Kakuzu did not relax. 

"But," Lee was saying, and Hidan looked up and found him blinking so that his eyes were no longer watering so violently. He caught Hidan's eyes, then bowed and said, very quickly and all at once: "Please do not forget to use silencing spells responsibly!"

"Sure," Hidan drawled easily. It was pretty much as sincere as Kakuzu's 'sure' from a moment earlier, which meant it was an absolute lie. He sure would not do that. "Will do."

If the other losers in this dorm didn't want to hear him having all the wild, loud, athletic sex that they certainly weren't, they could use their own damn silencing spells. Hidan didn't care.

"Excellent! Thank you so much." Lee clapped, like he was genuinely happy. Hidan felt Kakuzu shift with discomfort at the open display of emotion.

A single, distant strain of mildly sleazy saxophone music seemed to echo as he clenched one fist in excitement. "Gai-sensei," he murmured to their absent head of house, "I hope you are proud of me for facilitating a resolution to intrahouse conflict among my year mates!"

Hidan watched lazily. This would probably wrap up soon, but Kakuzu was tense beneath him. His heart was thumping fast under Hidan's arm. _Aww_.

"I hope you have a fun and productive weekend! Work hard, Hidan! Goodbye, Kakuzu!"

And then he was gone. The dorm door slammed shut after him.

"So," drawled Hidan, rolling away from Kakuzu's warm, big, huge... nice.... _compelling_... He rolled away from Kakuzu. Yes. "Is this better or worse than the Slytherin dorms?"

There was silence. In the absence of Rock Lee, it seemed very loud. It also seemed long.

"Kakuzu," Hidan barked impatiently, heaving himself out of bed, naked and unconcerned about it -- it wasn't like anybody could see any of the actually important bits. "I'm talking to you."

"I heard you," growled Kakuzu. Then, "I'm... weighing my options."

 

**Author's Note:**

> This would probably take place well before Hidan and Kakuzu meet Hinata in that first fic. (A second Hinata centric one is on its way. Eventually. It's next up.)
> 
> FYI they almost always end up in the Hufflepuff dorms, despite their prefect and head of house. The Slytherins are absolutely vicious about territory and they have _much_ better self preservation instincts.
> 
> This was written on my phone so if you spot any glaring typos let me know, please. Autocorrect is sometimes wily.


End file.
